Friday, May 3, 2013

Roadless in Plymouth

If you're wondering what I'm satirizing, check out the real story.

Michiganders woke up yesterday to find that one township has taken advantage of the bill recently passed in the state legislature, allowing any municipality in metro Detroit to opt out of the state road system.

Road removal has begun

A commuter from Farmington described her confusion: "I was just buzzing along the highway, going to my job in Plymouth like always, but when I got to the 275/M-14 intersection there wasn't any road. It was super weird. I could see downtown Plymouth in the distance, so I parked my car, whittled a walking stick, and hiked through the cornfields. That took about an hour and a half."

Asked about her job, this commuter shook her head. "There's no way I can keep it. Too much of a journey. I got sunburnt and I nearly got lyme disease."

A commute not for the faint of heart

"Paved roads are a tool for communities," a state representative declared in defense of the township's decision. "It should be up to local governments. This is also a way for citizens to check the road system if we think it's not on track. If we think they're, for instance, expanding highways that they shouldn't be. It's our way to pump the brakes if the system fails us."

State officials and other important people offered vague, conciliatory statements. "Roads are very important for this state," offered one spokesperson. "Let's continue to move forward and collaborate around our impactful road synergies." 

Asked how its residents would get around without the roads, the state representative responded that plans are still in progress but both horse and buggy and dogsleds are feasible options. Asked whether he considered that archaic, he said he deferred to local opinion. Questioned whether his intention was to keep people out, he scoffed. "We are a welcoming, friendly community, as long as you own either a palomino or a team of huskies."

Life, liberty, and freedom from unwanted roads

"Did we ever get to vote on whether we have roads? No. It was pushed upon our citizens by socialists. It doesn't fit the character of their community. The hardworking taxpayers of southeast Michigan deserve to decide whether to participate in a massive, expensive road network."

Metro Detroit is now the only metro area in the nation with a hole in the middle of its road system.

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