|How would a most distinguished visitor fare in our "urban environment"?|
In a surprise announcement last month, the Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI declared that he had changed his plans, and would now live out his retirement in the city of Detroit, Michigan.
"Its struggle to reinvent itself is inspiring," he explained. "It is the ideal location for my own meditations and rediscovery."
Not long after moving into his stately Woodbridge home, however, he received a ruder awakening than expected.
After returning from grocery shopping, he was mugged for all his money between his car and front door. The suspect fled and the former pontiff, shaken, retired inside. Luckily, he was unhurt, and due to the generosity of the papal pension his finances did not suffer a mortal blow.
Neighbors later said they heard outcries, but did not understand the Latin. "I thought he was blessing someone really loudly," reported one resident.
A city official reprimanded the pope for his naivete in walking alone up his driveway, stating that "he clearly doesn't understand our urban environment. This isn't the Vatican."
A local commentator concurred, adding that the ex-Holy Father should have chosen one of the region's charming suburbs as his residence. "Detroit's not really the place for frail 85-year-old intellectual German spiritual leaders. He should have known that. Next time, try New Baltimore. "
The mugger, who spoke on condition of anonymity, expressed embarrassment at the events. "It's pretty bad luck, when you mug someone and it turns out to be the pope. How can you tell without the funny hat? Anyway, I was just trying to pay rent, so I hope he doesn't send me to hell."
His Retired Holiness could not be reached for comment.
**all of this post is pure fiction fabricated by me (as if you couldn't tell)**
**see the post by Jeff Wattrick on victim-blaming in Detroit, and the counter post in the Detroit News**